Addressing the Past

Almost two years have passed since the first post on this blog. I almost deleted it to start fresh but after reading it I realized how far I have come. Two years ago was scary! I have come down such a long long road and feel that I have learned so much during that dark journey. I felt hopeless and depressed. I was taking anti depressants, barely sleeping, and beating myself up about everything. I was so rushed or overwhelmed by life that I was like a twig in a sea of water, barely staying afloat but resolved to make it to the shore. This was recently posted on a Facebook group I was added to. I read it and I'll admit I thought "oh I've read that a million times." But I am  realizing now how true this was during that year.

I am so thankful to have such a wonderful BIG God on my side. I can't say that I have miraculously changed everything or that all of my bad habits have disappeared. I can say that I have grown. I have matured and changed in ways I didn't think possible during that year. I have a hope for the future more than ever before. And ultimately I am content with the work God is doing in me. The biggest thing I have seen God teach me in the last couple of years and what I'm going to end on is this: 

I'm just Me.

I have thought about doing this for years but never have. I will see how dedicated I am about it but hope I can be.

I desperately want to change my life. I feel half alive most days. I am a Christian woman full of dreams of what will be some day. But as I get older, and I'm approaching my 30th birthday, I'm realizing that some day is upon me and quickly passing by if I don't wake up (literally) and start making some changes.

As a Christian I am grounded in my faith in the loving Savior that gave me life. I'm thankful for that. Honestly, some days I think it is what keeps me going. If it weren't for my belief in God I think I would be utterly lacking in hope. But I am naturally a positive person and tend to see the brighter side of things in life and know, without a doubt, that through Christ I can change this life I have found myself living.

First, here are two important physical changes (I'll get to other changes on another day) that need to happen. Besides my husband, who knows everything, I don't think my friends and family know how deep (or serious) some of these things are.

1. More sleep. In the last 2 years I go to bed, on average, between 1-2 am. I wake up late most days and rush around getting ready which makes me late to work most days.  It's also worse some weeks than others. There have been weeks that I have stayed up to 4 or 5 am several nights in a row. I know this isn't healthy and contributes to my weight problem. So on average I am getting 4-5 hours of sleep each night.

That's crazy! I feel half alive because I am half alive! I used to think that I wasn't getting the sleep I needed because I wasn't being intentional in my choices. Therefore I would mess around all night until I had to get something done and be up later than I should have been. I still believe that to be true but I also think it is because I have become addicted to not going to sleep. There have been nights where I am not really doing anything but surfing the internet and looking at the same webpages again and again just so I don't have to go to bed. Why is this? If only I could answer that question. I spend way too much time playing an online game as well. I know that this is becoming an unhealthy obsession and I will be trying to reign in those impulses to play it all. the. time.

2. Lose weight. I have always thought of myself as a large girl. When I got married my husband and I knew nothing about eating well, especially since we were incredibly poor. I have never been active outside of my last two years of high school. I didn't know how to be healthy or care until after I had my first child. My body changed so much and I was used to eating without it mattering that between the two years of getting pregnant and my daughter's first birthday I was 75 lbs heavier than I had ever been.

Since then it has mattered to me and I get on and off the weight loss wagon all the time. I would lose some, gain more, lose some, gain more. I am approaching 300 lbs now. That just makes me want to throw up. Cry. Eat more. Get angry. And it also makes me numb. I don't know how to handle it. I have lost most of my motivation because for once in my life I feel hopeless. I don't want to weigh this much but I don't know how to change it. It feels like I will never be able to do it, even with God on my side. I feel trapped. I have debated weight loss surgery but that seems so intrusive. I know that my weight isn't healthy but is having something foreign in my body or something surgically removed healthier? I know it would sure make me feel better about my appearance. But my appearance isn't what matters really. My life, my health, my longevity, my capability to work and play with my kids, that's what matters. So overall, is a surgery like that healthier for me? I don't know. I wrestle with the moral and biblical standpoints as well.

I took this horrible picture of me (although its really just a picture of me right now but I forget that this is what I look like). I am hoping that it will remind me what I am trying to change and help keep me accountable to the things I plan to do.